Post 2: Breaking Negative Cycles in Families
Introduction
When family conflict feels repetitive—arguments that go nowhere, withdrawal, silence, or emotional outbursts—it’s easy to think “we’ve tried everything.” But most families aren’t broken; they’re caught in a cycle.
In this second post of the Emotionally Focused Family Therapy Series, we’ll look at how EFFT helps identify and change those negative patterns, allowing families to move from reactivity to connection.
What Are Family Interaction Cycles?
Every family develops a rhythm of interaction—a predictable loop of action and reaction. These cycles form unconsciously, often as an attempt to stay safe or be heard.
For example:
A child withdraws → a parent worries → the parent pushes for answers → the child withdraws further.
A teenager raises their voice → a parent feels disrespected → the parent reacts harshly → the teen shuts down.
No one is the “problem.” The cycle is the problem.
The Attachment Perspective
At the heart of EFFT is attachment theory—the understanding that every human needs secure emotional bonds. When those bonds feel threatened, fear and defensiveness take over.
A parent’s criticism might really be fear of losing connection.
A child’s defiance might really be sadness or hurt.
By recognising these attachment needs beneath the surface, families can shift from blame to understanding.
Recognising Common Family Cycles
1. The Pursue–Withdraw Cycle
One person seeks closeness through criticism or intensity; another retreats to stay safe. Both feel misunderstood.
2. The Attack–Defend Cycle
Arguments escalate quickly. Each person tries to be heard, but nobody feels safe enough to listen.
3. The Protect–Rescue Cycle
A parent overfunctions to protect, while a child underfunctions or resists, leading to frustration on both sides.
Identifying which cycle your family falls into is the first step to change.
How EFFT Breaks the Cycle
Slowing the Pattern
In sessions, we slow down interactions and examine what’s really happening between each person.Naming the Emotions Beneath
We explore what drives the reactions—fear, shame, worry, or loneliness.Creating Empathic Moments
Family members begin to see that everyone’s behaviour makes sense when emotions are understood.Practicing New Responses
Instead of reacting from fear, family members learn to respond with openness and curiosity.
A Realistic Example
Tom feels his teenage son ignores him. When Tom pushes for conversation, his son withdraws, which Tom interprets as rejection. In EFFT, they realise Tom’s pushing comes from worry, and his son’s silence comes from fear of disappointing his dad. Once both understand the emotional logic, communication softens and the relationship heals.
The Therapist’s Role
As an EFFT practitioner, I act as a guide—slowing down the conversation, helping each person find words for what they feel, and keeping emotional safety in the room.
Families often say this is the first time they’ve really heard each other.
Client Reflection Exercise
What happens in your family when tension rises?
Who tends to pursue, and who tends to withdraw?
What emotions might lie underneath those reactions?
How might you reach differently next time?
Conclusion
Breaking family cycles isn’t about assigning blame—it’s about understanding the deeper emotional needs that drive each reaction. EFFT helps families pause, reflect, and replace old patterns with moments of empathy and connection.
Next in our series, we’ll explore how families reconnect through emotion and build the safety needed to express vulnerability and love.
